Traveling With Body Issues
I’ve written a little about some health problems I have in past articles such as this one, which covers how my health issues caused depression, which lead to me disappearing from the blog world for long stretches of time and also my xoJane article about being fit and chubby. This article isn’t really about those health issues, but more about how they affect my body, which in turn affects my travels. It also aims to help other people who might suffer from some similar issues learn how to deal with them, fight through the anxiety, and travel anyway.
So what’s the problem?
I’ll keep this brief. Basically, a few years ago I started gaining weight and having a lot of other issues. I’m still seeing doctors (I’ve lost count but it’s probably 8+) and trying to treat things, but so far I know I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder (PMDD), Endometriosis, MTHFR Gene Mutation, and a bunch of side effects related to those things such as vitamin deficiencies, hormonal imbalances, fatigue, etc. In short, my body, particularly the section with lady parts, is doing a real trash job of being a body. I’ve gained a lot of weight and the issues make losing that weight extremely difficult.
If you are now tempted to give me diet or exercise advice, do me a favor and don’t. Especially if you are man who wants to say shit like “Calories in, calories out!” No thank you. Hard pass. Goodbye.
What does this have to do with travel?
It’s been difficult for me to write about this, because in some ways it seems trivial. But I realized that is part of the problem. No one talks about these kinds of things. Frequent travelers are expected to travel effortlessly like pros who never hit a snag. Women are supposed to simply toss some sun dresses and a pair of skinny jeans into a carry on and look fabulous in every Instagram shot. I could write 10 articles about female travelers and the pressure to look great in photos, but this is about body issues, anxiety, and how it affects my travels.
Packing is 10x as difficult as it used to be
I am a carry on-only kind of traveler, so my packing strategy was always to simply toss in staples like tops, jeans, bras, and a ton of underwear. I trusted that the clothing I wore on a regular basis would work on a trip, and that if I needed anything, I could always pick up new clothing while on the road.
Body issues have changed that. I no longer trust my clothing, ever. My closet is my greatest anxiety trigger. A top that I loved 2 days ago might make me cry today. A dress that I was sure looked great on me might send me into a panic attack when I see myself in the mirror. Between the physical issues, including extreme bloating and weight gain, and my emotional issues, such as the panic at seeing how my facial structure has slowly but surely changed thanks to PCOS, are enough to trigger a meltdown even when I am in the comfort of my own home. So, when I am packing, I am constantly trying to prevent a freak out on the road. I have to try on every item I pack to make sure it feels ok in the moment. Then I have to pack several more back up items in case the main items end up making me feel uncomfortable when I try to wear them a few days later. It’s exhausting, and usually makes me feel miserable.
Dressing during the trip is tricky
All too often, I end up in a backup outfit that includes leggings and a top that’s a size too big because I cannot handle the feeling of cloth clinging to my unfamiliar body. Dresses that I packed when I was full of hope remain rolled up in my bag, untouched. Pants with buttons are tossed aside. Hoodies are zipped over tops.
I know these don’t sound like big problems. I know some people will think I’m being dramatic, and that everyone changes their mind about the clothing they pack sometimes. But I doubt that every person spends time in the bathroom, taking deep breaths, repeating “It’s ok, don’t cry. It’s ok, it’s ok” several times on every trip. Most people can accept the clothing they chose for the day, and just go about their business. I, on the other hand, might deal with perpetual regret all day as I tug at clothing that feels like it is attacking me.
I avoid photos, then feel guilty about it
I didn’t used to mind photos. If someone pointed a camera at me, I’d smile or make a face. I’d stand next to friends without worrying about the angle of my body, the print of my clothing, or the positioning of the camera – but not anymore.
Now, I avoid photos all together. Seeing photographic evidence of how much my body has changed can be overwhelming. Being able to compare current pictures to those from before is dangerous, because then I might torture myself and pinpoint every part of my body that has betrayed me. I might see a photo and burst into frustrated tears, wondering why and how I lost control of my own body.
Of course, if I don’t show up in photos, I scold myself for my vanity. I lament the fact that I let an incredible experience pass by without getting a photo of myself enjoying it. Guilt over my insecurity, vanity, and foolishness will hit me as I scroll through photos of my trips. So, basically, photographs are a lose-lose situation for me.
Here’s an awesome castle I visited with some friends. I was too self-conscious to get a photo of me in front of it.
Traveling with body issues is hard, but not impossible
The changes in my body and the emotional turmoil that comes along with those changes have definitely made traveling more difficult for me. However, traveling has always been my center. Travel is what heals me and makes me feel sane, so I am not about to let my anxiety and insecurity get in the way of something so important – and neither should you.
Whether you have health issues, body issues, anxiety, or whatever else – I urge you to fight through them and travel anyway.
Give yourself permission to overpack
If packing 10 shirts for a weekend trip makes you feel more at ease, do it – and don’t beat yourself up about it. Try to bring outfits that you consistently feel comfortable and confident in and don’t be afraid to repeat them. I once packed over 2 weeks worth of clothing for 10 days in Colombia and then wore the same outfit at least 5 times. That outfit allowed me to feel good and focus on my experiences, so who cares how many times I wore it? PS if you are going somewhere sweaty, get some fabric spray and/or detergent!
Know your triggers and workarounds
I know that putting on an outfit that I thought was going to look great and realizing that, for whatever reason, I currently hate it is a dangerous situation for me. The longer I twist and turn in front of the mirror, the more likely I am to freak out and potentially ruin my mood for the day. So, if I don’t immediately like how I look or feel in something, I toss it right back in my suitcase and grab a backup outfit.
Trying to get a good photo of myself is also problematic. It can be demoralizing to keep taking photo after photo in an attempt to get a great shot, so I make a rule. I will take/have someone take a photo no more than 3 times. If I don’t like what I see, I move on. There will be other photo opportunities, so I let it go. I often travel solo, so selfies or photos taken by strangers are my only option, but if I am traveling with someone else, I talk to them about pictures. I ask them to let me know if I’m standing at an unflattering angle, if the lighting is off, etc.
If you’re traveling with friends, don’t be afraid to ask them to direct you and hype you up. On my trip to Nicaragua and Mexico City with Ayngelina, I asked her to help. For this photo, she simply said “put one leg in front of the other.” That small change made me love the way I looked in the photo. Sidenote, this was my 3rd outfit of the day and I was mad at myself for going to a loose-fitting backup top. In the end, Ayngelina said “I’m so glad you ended up in that top. It works perfectly in this photo.
Whatever your trigger is, accept it, and try to be aware of how you can work around it. This goes for things unrelated to body issues as well. For example, if you know that getting lost totally freaks you out, have a game plan in place for when it inevitably happens, like always keeping cash and your hotel’s address on you so you can grab a cab and bail. There is no shame in bailing. Take the time you need to relax.
Know that no one is as harsh as you are
This is a cliché, but it’s true. The problem is, anyone with body issues has part of them that knows they are being way too hard on themselves, but also can’t quite get that message to prevail. On that same trip to Mexico, Ayngelina and I went on a mission to get great photos in this incredible kiosk. I put on something I always feel great in, and was very happy with the photos Ayngelina took of me. Then, a week later, I went to post a photo on Instagram. I stared at the photo and the criticism began. I decided that this top, one that I had always felt so confident in, cut my back in a strange way. Usually my midsection and face are the main problems for me in pictures, but as I looked at this photo of my back, I was suddenly full of disappointment. I thought I worked out often enough, lifted heavy enough weights, and properly toned my back and shoulders. In fact, up until this moment, I was pretty damn proud of my muscular shoulders. But in that moment, I was sure that the top cut into my back. I was positive that my bra was digging into my skin, and that fat was flowing over the band. I zoomed in on the photo and tore myself apart. Over the next couple of weeks, I kept trying to post the same photo, but always ended up bailing.
Then I decided to just be honest
I realized that I am not the only person who has ever agonized over something a trivial as posting a photo. I thought of all those perfect Instagram shots of girls in flowing dresses, holding a large hat, and somehow laughing beautifully. I remembered how annoyed I get when my feed fills up with those unrealistic photos and how happy I get when someone posts a real photo. So, I chose not only to post the photo, but to also share the struggle.
You can struggle and keep moving
I keep hoping I will be able to tell my whole physical and mental health story from start to finish; that someday I’ll have a nice packaged story with a clear beginning, middle, and end. I’m in the process of coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t a story with an ending, it’s just a journey. This is something I will have to live with, so I’m trying my best. Here’s hoping that sharing my journey might help you keep fighting through yours.
