Traveling Together vs. Traveling to Be Together

There are plenty of things that can complicate a romantic relationship, some more serious than others. I think travel is definitely can be one of the biggest issues or even obstacles that a couple must overcome.

Some people are just travelers at heart, “Career Travelers”, if you will, people who consider travel a standard part of their life and always view it as a priority. Career Travelers just need to see new places, do new things and constantly rediscover themselves. This makes for a pretty demanding lifestyle.

Traveling as a couple can make or break a relationship.

Couples tend to travel together. There are the obvious reasons, such as wanting companionship and not wanting to be away from the one you love, but it is also an amazing bonding experience. Traveling together is like living together on steroids. You will see your partner at their dirtiest and smelliest, talk to them at the height of their irritability, and have to work out important financial and housing decisions together. You will also get to experience amazing sights together, share foreign cuisine, and check things off your bucket lists.

Traveling as a couple can make or break a relationship, as the raw core of a person is revealed throughout a trip. You will grow and change, the question is if that growth will bring you closer together or push you away. You usually figure out which category you fit in rather quickly and once you find a fellow Career Traveler, it can make for a beautiful partnership. I’m not saying wedding bells, but you are looking to have a really great ride while the relationship lasts.

A couple reunites at the airport. Creative Commons photo by Adam Nelson.

Traveling to get to your significant other is unfair

Then there’s the other option, instead of traveling together, you may travel in order to get to your significant other. Maybe you met on the road, perhaps one of you had to move away, whatever the situation is, you are not in the same place and one of you is traveling to get to the other. Basically, one of you stays right where you are, living your already well-established life, probably working a job you enjoy and having very little trouble with the feel of the city. The other, however, is leaving everything behind, unlikely to have an ideal job, lacks social connections and will be totally unfamiliar with the daily routine. You see the unbalance here?

Traveling as a couple works, traveling to be a couple does not.

I know that is a strong statement and certainly there will be exceptions, but that is my stance and here is why.

As I mentioned, traveling as a couple is a really important experience. No one who loves to travel is going to be able to make it work long term with someone who does not love traveling as well. Being able to share a love of travel will constantly bring you closer, keep the relationship exciting, and continuously test your love of the person as you deal with them in stressful or less than ideal situations. It just works.

Traveling together works. Traveling to be together doesn’t. Creative Commons photo by Ed Yourdon.

Traveling to be a couple is a totally different story. I’ve seen it happen more times than I’d like- someone moves across the country or across the world to be with their significant other and before you know it, hearts are broken. Here’s how it usually goes down- somehow, a happy couple is separated. One of them has some sort of anchor that makes them win the tug of war of where to live, so their partner is forced to move if they want to keep the relationship alive. Here’s the thing, I believe that their love is real and I even believe that both people are sincere when they talk about the move.

However, you are dealing with a very tricky situation here. As I mentioned, the person who is planted in the city of choice has all kinds of time to establish their life. The person at home is scrambling to pack up their life, quit their job and say their goodbyes, all in the name of love. Their partner is just chilling out at home base, working the job they want, making friends and meeting other people. No stress there, just waiting for their honey to arrive. However, that waiting gets boring. While their love is distracted by all the logistics of getting to this new place, they are comfortable and meeting people, perhaps love interests.

You get an A for effort, but the change is too much.

I’m not trying to paint either party as a villain. Usually, the excitement of being together is what keeps the whole plan afloat. Phone calls, video chats and the idea of finally being together blinds both people from reality. Sadly, that blindness almost always carries through until the move. Most couples I have met have made it a couple of months into the move before they break up. The change seems to be too much. The newly arrived wants to spend every minute with their partner. They do not have the career or social life to allow for the proper amount of space, while their partner has had time to establish those things. For the established person, it’s all too easy to feel smothered by this rush of neediness and love and the newcomer really has no other options and probably doesn’t even realize they are being overbearing. The conflict simply becomes too much and the relationship cannot survive.

Who breaks up with who…

I said I didn’t want to make either party a villain, but I’ll be honest, it’s usually the established person that breaks it off and more often than not, they have found someone else. In fact, in most cases, the affair was already happening, but they fool themselves into believing that once their long-distance lover arrives, they will be overwhelmed with emotion and never need to seek the arms of someone else again. Wrong. The sleaze usually just ends up leaving their ex-lover lost in a new city, bereft of resources, friends and a reason to be in that city at all.  Details of the breakup vary, but let’s face it, it just doesn’t work.

I know my stance is harsh and I am admittedly an incredibly unromantic girl, so I’m curious about your opinions. There are always exceptions, but overall, do you agree or disagree with my stance and why?