These Girls Ain’t No Baby Mamas

by Rease Kirchner

Emily and I are women in our 20s and we have come to the realization that being a woman in your 20s has nearly become synonymous with being married and popping out some offspring.  While our facebook newsfeeds fill up with more engagement announcements and ultrasound photos, she and I are plotting ways to avoid ever having a human growing inside of us. After having a conversation about this shared mission, we decided to elaborate on the exchange and share this with all of you. Perhaps we have some allies, but more likely this post will shock and offend people, especially our mothers, but we are going to write it anyway. Just make it to the end where we attempt to make ourselves likable once again!

Babies, pets, and the poop situation.

We are dumbfounded by how obsessed women have become with babies. Why does hitting your 20s suddenly make you totally baby crazy? Women everywhere seem to be stocking up on babies like bras at a Victoria’s Secret sale. Whatever happened to pets as the gateway creature to care for? My half-witted dog is a lot like a baby in the way that he cries, costs me money and blinds me from his faults by being adorable and more importantly, mine. The plus side is that he was delivered through my front door and not through a much more unpleasant sounding method. In a recent exchange, Emily brought up another strong argument in the pets vs. babies debate:

9 months of discomfort just to get fat

Pregnancy is supposed to be this beautiful miracle of nature, a gift and privilege granted only to women. I am pretty sure whoever made up

Clearly, this is not my baby. This is Ryan, one of the coolest kids on the planet. It's even cooler than I didn't have to give birth to her.

that crap also created the whole “rain on your wedding day is lucky” bullshit. These are just things people say to cover up the reality: it sucks. 

Don’t hate us. We still love kids.

I adore Christian! (Yes, he is Ryan's older brother. They are both this impossibly cute)

We do not want to give the impression that we are baby haters. We are not against babies or other people having them.  Personally, I adore working with kids. In fact, I have worked with them in several different settings throughout my life and cannot imagine ever giving that up. For one glorious year, I was a bilingual preschool teacher. I woke up every single day pumped to go see my 3-5 year olds. I forgave all their mysteriously sticky hands, bathroom accidents and even crying fits. I had the patience of a saint.

The year before I moved to Buenos Aires I had three jobs: bilingual preschool teacher, private Spanish tutor for kids and daycare attendant. I would estimate that I spent about 50 hours a week hanging out with children. I did not lose my temper, get burned out or tell kids I didn’t feel like playing. How did I maintain this patience and incredible level of energy? Easy. I didn’t have any kids in my house.

I am just going to skip being humble here and say I am awesome with kids. I can invent amazing nap time stories on the spot, comfort a crying kid, pacify a tantrum thrower and even teach a 3 year old a second language. I can do all of these things because I have a true passion for children, but I still do not feel a super strong desire to have any of my own. I know a lot of moms are there are probably hating me right now and perhaps even criticizing me for being a coward who fears being a mother. However, staying on the no-humility train – I am pretty sure I would be a freaking fantastic mom. The thing is, I am a great teacher and overall kid entertainer, so why burn myself out when I am perfectly content with what I have?

Moms are Amazing

Seriously, we really love our moms and attribute a lot of who we are and what we have accomplished to our wonderful mothers. As teachers, we have also had the privelege of meeting some pretty amazing mothers. This post is not meant to be a mother-bashing thing, it is just Emily and I’s off-color way of telling you we are not looking to get knocked up.

Rease is a US citizen who fled the Midwest in favor of ex-pat life in Buenos Aires, Argentina. She is bilingual and is very capable of cussing you out in Spanish. She loves gaining and sharing knowledge of local cultures, customs and adventure, and she especially loves getting sassy with anyone who gets in her way. Her favorite place in the world is any artisan ice cream shop in Argentina.