This is Why I Don’t Go Camping

I have mentioned many times that I am not a camper nor a hiker. You can say I am lazy, prissy, or whatever else you want – I have same damn good reasons not to camp. After having several issues with nature while in the concrete jungle of New York City, I thought I’d provide some proof to this.

I am like crack for bugs

Bugs freaking love me. No matter where I am, they will find me, and then try to suck me dry. Not only do I get 3

Just a few of my giant bug bites I got while eating dinner in the city.

times as many bug bites as the average person, I generally have allergic reactions that range from swollen welts to a closing throat from a Mexican bee attack. You’d think that a place like New York City would cause a minimal amount of bugs bites, and you’d be right, if you were thinking about a normal person. A day and a half into our trip, Pedro couldn’t stand my suffering anymore. He took a look at my legs, which had around 20 swollen bites on them, and forced me to purchase some hydrocortisone to ease the pain. That wasn’t the end of it, of course. I continued to get bitten in the oddest settings. While eating outside a Cuban restaurant, I gained a good 10 bites. During our food tour, I was bitten so severely that I yelped and was stared at by the confused tour attendees. I carried that hydrocortisone around with us everywhere we went.

I am horribly accident prone

I have also mentioned before that I was that kid in school that got nosebleeds for no reason. My mother often had to

The rug burn, about a week after it happened.

explain away bruises and cuts I gave myself just out of pure clumsiness. Just like my bug bite issues, my klutziness has followed me into adulthood. The first night in the apartment, I toppled off the bed. For a normal person, this would have been a mildly embarrassing thing that one could just laugh off. However, I took my tumble onto a tightly wound hemp area rug and got myself a rug-burn so severe, that it plagued me for weeks after. I also bruised my knee on the coffee table as I tried to rush to the bathroom to assess the damage. Two days later, I cut my arm while exiting a taxi. That’s right, getting out of vehicles and laying in beds is simply too much for me to handle.

So let’s imagine me camping and hiking

We can estimate that the bug bites would at the very least double. With my allergic reactions, that may very well result in a body so swollen, I couldn’t move. All those rivers, rocks, and other such natural hazards would threaten my safety every step of the way. I love to travel, but I want to live, dammit! So if you ever wonder why I don’t relish the idea of sleeping outdoors or tackling a mountain, I beseech you, please remember the time a spent a week in New York City and came home scarred and bruised for no good reason.