Getting Locked Out: Human Perspective vs. A Dog’s

by Rease Kirchner

Recently, I locked myself out of my apartment. This was literally the first time in my life I have locked myself out of a home or car. In fact, for about 5 years I had AAA lock out coverage. I used it exactly three times- once for my friend Abby and twice for my ex-boyfriend. Sure, when I was a kid and not deemed responsible enough for a set of keys, I got locked out a few times.

However, my brothers and I were masters at the art of breaking into our own home. A lockout might have been one of the few things that could fully unite us. For each house, we had different plans. My favourite lockout plan involved the condo we lived in; my brother Benjy and I would lift our oldest brother Billy high enough to reach the balcony so he could hoist himself up and enter the house that way. The reasoning behind this being that he had the most upper body strength which he built up over years of beating the crap out of us both.

But I digress.

The point is, this was the day when I finally locked myself out. I was actually having a rather pleasant, dare I say lucky day. I came home to my dog Padfoot frantically throwing himself at my legs. I decided I should take him out immediately. I set the keys down so I could attach his leash and proceeded to exit and close the door.

The second the door clicked, I realized what I had done.

I stood there for a couple seconds, simply staring at the door. I tentatively pushed on it, as if it would recognize my touch and simply swing open. Not only were my keys inside, but also my cell phone and cash. I fell back against the wall and repeated to myself “no no no nooo”

I looked to my right to see the door of the neighbors who I am pretty sure do not like me. They have an incredibly annoying wiener dog who Padfoot seems to reserve a special amount of hatred for. I opted to go left to the apartment of a girl whose name I do not know and have seen maybe a total of 3 times in 10 months. Luckily, she was home and super friendly. She allowed me to log onto her computer so I could look up the phone number of my apartment agency. I had to call them to get the cell phone number of my landlady, who is the only other person with keys. She informed me she would be home soon and I could walk to her apartment.

I thanked next-door girl and went downstairs to exit and begin my walk to my landlady’s home. When I got to the door I realized you also need a key to exit the building. I was forced to ring another bell and asked to be let out of the building.

Near death experience, all for a set of keys!

The walk took about 30 minutes, not too bad. Padfoot was thrilled, of course. He didn’t even care when we almost got hit by a car. Honestly, I have never been that close to being hit before. I mean, technically the care came in contact with my body, that’s how fucking horrible that driver was. It went down like this:

• Walk sign turns on, I begin to cross the street
• Taxis continue to turn with little regard for pedestrians
• I walk across after said taxis have finished being assholes
• Lady in a black mini van comes swinging around and plows towards me
• At the last second, I am able to jump and catch myself with my hands on the hood
• I see Padfoot under the car

For about 1.5 seconds, I though my dog was dead or at the very least, severely injured. Instead, Padfoot trotted out from under the car, untouched. The woman behind the wheel had a look on her face that said “Oh My God I had no idea people walked here! That seems dangerous!”

Honestly, in the end it was just an inconvenient situation with one mild near-car accident. I came home hungry and annoyed by the waste of time. However, I couldn’t help but think how differently Padfoot must had viewed this whole situation.

Entering the mind of my simple dog

I enter apartment
HIHIHI YAAAY HIIIII HOME HI!
I get out the leash
I LOVE LEASH! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE OUTSIDE OUTSIDE!
I close the door and realize I have locked myself out
LET’S GO TO THE METAL BOX THAT MOVES! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE OUTSIDE OUTSIDE!
We enter the neighbor’s apartment
SMELL NEW THINGS! YES! SO MANY THINGS TO SMELL!
Arriving at the front door and having to double back to find someone to let us out
Why no outside? Why? NO PLEASE OUTSIDE PLEAAAASSSEE
Running into the dogs that live on the floor below us
I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE ARE BARKING ABOUT! I BARK LOUDER! LOUD NOISES! NO ESPAÑOL!
Walking to my landlady’s apartment
I love you, mom. I love outside. This is great. Thank you mom. OUTSIDE I LOVE OUTSIDE!
Nearly getting run over by a car
It’s dark under there let’s find grass! More grass, mom! I love you mom!
Waiting in the lobby of my landlady’s building were the glass reflects dogs from outside
Secret dogs! MUST GET TO SECRET DOGS! WHERE ARE THEY GOING?! SECRET DOGS! MUST BARK MUST PULL MUST RUN!
Arriving home
SUPER FUN AWESOME TIMES MOM!

If only I could have enjoyed this as much as Padfoot.