Business Buzzwords: If you hear this, you need a vacation
by Rease Kirchner
Spending too much time in the office results in taking on a new language. I’m not talking about a foreign language, but instead a language of corporate speak overrun with annoying buzzwords and catchphrases. If you hear too many of these or, worse, catch yourself using one, it’s time for a vacation.
1. I’ll ping you back
This is just a douchey way to say “I’ll get back to you”. This isn’t World of Warcraft, it’s an office.
2. Power lunch
Power lunch is just boss speak for “working through lunch”.
3. Team-building exercise
Awkward activities that usually put you in a competitive situation with the person who signs your paychecks.
4. Breakfast meeting
You are not spending enough of your life working, please allow me to rob you of your morning by infusing it with extra work in exchange for a bagel.
5. Touch base
You mean talking? Yes, we will talk later because we work in the same building. No bases needed.
6. At the end of the day…
This is a way for someone to discredit what you just said by bringing their ideas back into focus. “At the end of the day, none of what you say matters…”
7. Actionable item
Actionable item just makes a simple every day task sound like some sort of important mission, or slang for a girl a frat boy turned businessman wants to bang. Either way, it’s stupid and unnecessary.
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8. Case of the Mondays
I think Office Space made a pretty good case for abolishing this phrase from all offices and all conversations for that matter.
9.Humpday
You think I don’t see you smirking and choking back a laugh as you say that, you immature tool? I don’t know what’s worse, the guys who say it with the sexual innuendo in mind or the dorks who use it without knowing how idiotic they sound.
10. Any big plans for the weekend?
This is either a ploy to get you to work over the weekend or totally forced small talk between coworkers. No one actually cares about your weekend plans.
11. Industry Leader
I’m pretty sure all snarky businessmen believe they are Industry Leaders. It’s a worthless term used to puff up the pride of CEOs and fill in space on the business website.
12. TGIF
This phrase is only acceptable if you are referring to the now-defunct ABC channel Friday lineup featuring classics such as Hanging With Mr. Cooper, Full House and Step by Step. No exceptions.
13. Any mention of “metrics”
Chances are you are just bullshitting, no one ever has anything truly relevant to say about metrics.
14. Any weather-related small talk
This just highlights how little you know or want to know about the person you are speaking to. If “Sure is hot today” is the only conversational gem running through your head, just keep on moving and spare us all.
15. Sports-related terminology
This is not a home run, touchdown or killer play. No one commits fouls or uses mulligans. This is an office, not your fantasy league.
I would like thank my ex-coworkers Brett Grassmuck, Jeff Iwaszkowiec and of course Alex Ritter (of Travelated) for helping me compile this list and thus remember why all of us quit our office jobs.
What office terminology makes you need a vacation?
Featured image by Brennan Mercado
