So…How do you think this date is going?
Some people may have found my Argentina Pick Up Approaches, AKA, Why I Am Single post to be just a little too judgmental and assumed I was not giving the men of Buenos Aires a proper chance. The truth is, I have given them many, many chances. I have avoided telling you about these experiences because hey, this isn’t Seventeen Magazine and I never got as into the slumber party style dish sessions as some girls do. However, I have decided to share some choice stories and dating mishaps for your reading pleasure.
Today’s subject: Gabriel
I met Gabriel in the cliché bar setting. We probably spoke for all of 5 minutes total. I did not find him attractive, but hey, I am not one to rule out a guy just because he isn’t gorgeous. He seemed nice enough, so giving him my email seemed harmless. After a couple emails, plans for a date were made. I was neither excited about it nor dreading it, just a little curious as to how it would go.
Spoiler: It didn´t go so well.
We started off bad as he had not planned on a location. We ended up going to this incredibly generic café near my house. Think fancy Denny´s with alcohol and less enticing desserts.
We sat down and right away Gabriel decided he was ordering for us. Annoying. He had the nerve to ask me if I knew what champagne was. Yep, he literally asked if I was aware of champagne’s existence. Due to this, I was forced to down my first glass very quickly. He also made me cheers him each time he poured me more.
How is this going? What are you thinking?
Throughout the date, Gabriel asked me no less than 5 times how I thought the date was going. He would ask if I was having a good time, how I thought everything was going and eventually even pointed out that it looked like my mind was elsewhere. He continuously grabbed my hand, tried to caress it and get a nice, long look at my eyes. I recoiled each time. Here’s a couple of tips, Gabriel:
- If you have to ask how the date is going, it is probably going badly.
- If it looks like my mind is elsewhere, it probably is. In fact, at that moment, I was plotting my escape.
And then we talked about dinosaurs.
Normally, this would be a huge plus. I love dinosaurs. I even have 2 dinosaur tattoos. However, this was not a fun, whimsical dinosaur chat. Instead, Gabriel offered up this conversational gem:
Me: I don´t really like Argentine food. To be fair, I don´t eat any meat from cows or pigs, so I am missing out on some of the most famous dishes.
Gabriel: You don´t eat meat? What about choripan?
Me:Well choripan is sausage and it comes from a pig so, no. I only eat turkey, fish and chicken.
Gabriel: You eat chicken?
Me: Yes, I just don´t eat mammals.
Gabriel: Chickens are descendents of dinosaurs.
Me: …..Dinosaurs were not mammals.
Gabriel: But chickens came from dinosaurs. There would be no chickens if there were not dinosaurs.
Me: ….okay, but chickens and dinosaurs are still not mammals so-
Gabriel: So you would eat a dinosaur
Me: ….if there were dinosaurs, yes, I guess I would.
Gabriel: Like a big giant dinosaur leg? It would take up the whole table! Can you imagine? You would eat dinosaur!
I believe at this point I became very interested in my champagne and refused to engage any further in this ridiculous conversation.
Blinded by Charm
I think the worst part of this whole date was that Gabriel clearly though it was going incredibly well. He could not stop touching me, no matter how many times I pulled away. He would rub my arm and clutch my hand until I could wriggle it free. He watched my hands like a hawk, waiting for a moment when I would forget to cross my arms and allow him a second to lunge for my hand. He truly thought he was winning me over. “How is this date going?” was not his only loaded question. He kept asking me things he clearly wanted a specific answer to, such as “How do you like Buenos Aires men?” He interrupted me any time he didn’t like my answer, talking himself up as if he was the answer to all of my problems.
When I had finally chugged all the champagne, he insisted on walking me home. As soon as we got outside he said “Are you cold?” and put his arm around me. I shook him off immediately and said “I am actually hot. Even this jacket is too much”. Code for: I would rather stand in a blizzard wearing a bikini than have your arm around me.
The stealthy goodnight
I knew this guy would try to go in for the kiss if he had any chance. The issue is, in Argentina, you kiss everyone on the cheek when saying goodbye. You just have to. It is a hell of a lot harder to avoid a kiss when your face is already next to theirs. I pondered this dilemma the entire walk home. In the end, I went in for the cheek kiss super early, catching him off guard. I say my “chau” while kissing and spun around to face my door so fast that he did not stand a chance.
I proceeded to sprint into my apartment and sit on the floor, hugging my dog Padfoot, telling him that he is the only man for me.